In this, his latest long overdue blog, Mr Sloane argues the case for dodgy photoshop filtration, the wonders of Welwyn Garden City and his fears concerning an imminent relocation...

"...good afternoon dearhearts!

It feels like years since we've conversed via the t'internet by way of my twittering, nay meandering blog-type missives...

...how have you coped without me?

Never fear you cowering fuckers, Mr Sloane is here to alleviate your boredom through his hilarious musings on his shit life!

Yes...I am!

Ha-Ha!

I still don't know who you are, btw...

Anyway, enough of this guff-age and back to the matter in hand...namely what the fuck is that filter doing on my luvingly grafted image of the Campus West roundabout in the heart of my native WGC??? I don't recall being that blase when I actually did it - but then it was a while ago now, so who knows, eh??? Anyway, never fear...with one click of me mouse in photoshop I can easily remedy the psychometric effects rendered through the filtration unit in said progarm, and return the scene to a beautiful panorama of browns and russets...

...Ah...

Welwyn Garden...

...with your one way 'block' system through Howardsgate, your tree lined avenue and dispossessed youth...

your Campus West library/entertainment venue and your over-crowded taxi rank...

your reliance on being twenty minutes from Kings Cross St Pancras and your neglecting of local industry...

your sacrifice of the working man whom you so lovingly embraced in the post-war years in favour of city types who merely sleep here en route to the office...

I dream of Pat McConnell, found stabbed to death round the back of Kentucky Fried Chicken...

I dream of Sir Ebenezer Howard giving felatio to Sir Frederick Osborn while Louis De Souissons looks on bemused...

I imagine a day when the entire, fucking place will destroy itself by way of an apocolyptic council newsletter focusing on youths, street crime and provision for the elderly...

my town...

new town...

Still...My sights are now set upon the filthy, degrading yet honest streets of sunny Luton, where I shall be moving to at the end of the month...I have a shiny new flat close to the train station that I can't really afford and am suffering from slight trauma at the thought of pissing a lot of cash up the proverbial wall...But on the flip side I am looking forward to a place of my own, being able to leave my 'ART' work out all over the floor if I want to and entertaining female company without me mum bursting in half way through with tea and biscuits!!!

...So, it's all go in the life of the Sloane...Maybe I can even set into motion my dreams of an internet based chat show????

...In the words of Stephen Hawking, "The possibilities are endless."...

"Luton is a fucking shithole" - Ken Fosset Jr

"Up the workers" - Lord Jeffrey Archer (disgraced)

Ta-tah for now...

Lx"

Too long compadres, too long...

In this, his latest blog, Mr Sloane considers his fragile place in the universe, Frank Sidebottom and the joy inherent in larking about in snow...

"...Good afternoon fellow internet obsessives! Are you inside, sheltering from the snow?? Just flicked on the old computer to seek solace and enlightenment via jerky imagery of young girls playing with their bra-straps???

...or are you enjoying playing about in the snow??? You might have one of them new fangled 'lap-tops'...that work in the same way as a tea-tray...but with quick time!

...Ha-Ha!

...Isn't snow luvverly, eh? Cold...but lovely...

...I haven't urinated on fresh snow for many years, so Thursday mornings white blanket gave rise to my creative juices flowing...through my urethra...in a beautiful golden arc...

So!!!??? Did you make it to my first ART-Y exhibition then? 'Course you fucking didn't! You fucking bastards!!!

...who are you anyway?

...still, it was all right...there was wine & pringles...the crisps not the golfing knitwear...

...And I smashed something up...very liberating...Still, next time...come! I might not be here long...life is fleeting dntcha know...

Hey!!! And I'm now best mates with Frank Sidebottom...the Scally from Timperton with the cartoon head...

...well, I'm one of his 7thousand-odd friends...

Ha-Ha! Stay tuned 'friend'...I'm set for big things this year...

Johnathan Cainer told me so...

Lx

Sloane speaks again...again!

Here Larry can be seen disecting a poorly conceived visual joke involving pornography and the latest issue of FRIEZE magazine, cursing the Japanese and berating his apparent lack of earholes...

Sloane speaks again...

Mr Sloane caught washing up in his mother's kitchen, ruminating upon David Cameron, unpenetrable mashed potato and Status Quo...

Sloane speaks...

...A rare treat indeed - Mr Sloane messing about in his mother's box-room ruminating upon the varied pleasures to be found in Raymond Winstone, low cholesterol breakfast cereal and caged Russian bears...WARNING: MAY CONTAIN NUTS & BAD LANGUAGE

...in this, yet another dissappointing addition to this seemingly vacuous blog, Mr Sloane discusses the reason for his absence - again!! - David Blunkett and how famous persons seem to die in threes...


"...ah, good morning dearhearts! Many heartfelt greetings, warm wishes and salutations I bestow unto you this fine October morn! Yet again it seems far too long since we have been together - you in front of a screen wondering why the fuck I am bothering, and me, sat in front of a screen wondering who the fuck you are to wonder about my innocent, nay naiive, motives...

...I've gone down this route before and, needless to say, I don't think it portrays either of us in the best light now does it..?

Let's just draw a line under it and move on...

...okay? Good...

...so, where was I??? Oh yes, I was bestowing healthy doses of shmaltzy good cheer to you - my faithful readers - before embarking on another rant of bitterness...just to ease you in like...

Several things have happened since I last did one of these...I went to a wedding - which was very nice too...although my attempts at small scale seductions were once again found remiss! (Why oh why..?...next time I shall endeavour not to take my cock out during the birdie song...? Haha! That was a joke - it was on display for the entire evening, lying flaccidly to the left, on my forehead!)...

...there was also the tragic death of Stevo Irwin - whom I had, incidentally, impersonated during my second summer at Camp Easter Seals-West, rolling around with an inflatable, plastic crocodile in the creek while screaming out "She's a real beauty!" in my best Aussie accent...

...A day or so later there was the Richard Hammond incident, which made me think of that old showbiz chesnut of 'The Curse of the Three' - which isn't a Sherlock Holmes mystery but is a tenuous theory that celebs seem to pop off in threes...(I think this was born out in the 80s when Tommy Cooper, Eric Morcambe and someone else...Dustin Gee? all snuffed their wicks in the same week, thus allowing the spectre of Ben Elton the take over the BBC)...

...I was avidly waiting for the Hamster to snuff it, keeping the tv tuned to news 24 hoping to hear of some other sleb to bite the dust - Jodie Marsh..? That twat out of Boyzone..?...But then there was news that Hammond was recovering and the theory crumbled like the pile of nonsense that it is...superstition and claptrap...

...I am glad that Hammond is alright though...

...Oh yes, that beardy tosser Blunkett is back in the spotlight again with his new poorly written autobiography written with the aid of his dog, imaginatively entitled, 'Blunkett'...( I may be wrong here - but I really couldn't give two hoots!)...Luckily for those of us who wouldn't go near such a piece of shameless self-pitying garbage, excerpts have been published in that well-known socialist rag the daily mail...What larks!

...Incidentally I have recently experimented with the remarkable new technology called a video camera - spurred on by the mighty chinless wonder, Cameron, and cockney gut-bucket Ray Winstone - I have one very unremarkable post on YOUTUBE and am having difficulty uploading message two, in which I am washing up and singing Status Quo...Look for 'LarrySloane' and wonder what the hell is missing from my life...

...I do swear a little bit on it though...

So, all in all, I have been busy doing very little - just like you!

"She's going...she's going..." - Donald Campbell

"Fuck me! She's a beaut!" - Steve Irwin

Take care and sleep well, 'til the next time friend,

Lx"

In this, his latest, much awaited & spectacularly over-due posting, Mr Lawrence Sloane disscusses the validity of google images, clothes that no longer fit and the pleasure that is inherent through the drinking of cheap red wine on a Tuesday afternoon...


"Good afternoon dear hearts! I trust that you are well..? Yes...? Good. Let's get away from all this small talkage and on to the real crux of the issue in hand...Namely, why I have been away from you, my adoring public (hah!!!), for this abnormal length of time...I shall address this burning question of yours thus:

'Just who the fuck are you anyway???'

Hahaha!

Only kidding...I know who you are - just as long as you can swear that you know who I am...Let's just say that I have been reticent to do any more of this 'blogging' business...or you could say I've been lazy, or idle, or jaded, or cynical or scaredorconfused.com"...I just want to consolidate all my existing loans into one giant,fuck-off,ball-bustingloanheavy enough to crush the Hef's scotal pillows..."

Any of the above will suffice...

Incidentally, before I get onto whether or not it's ethical, morally speaking, to falsely name your images while uploading them - thus leaving lazy researchers like me ending up with crudely modelled museum-type apes when I'm after real, true to life chimps - I would like to mention that I have been involved in the preparations for a new gallery based in famed 1980's riot hotspot Luton. I am planning to have a studio there in the near future...which should be nice...And it will save me following the lead of that early tabloid sensationalist Modigliani, and having to sleep in bins for the sake of my art...

...arf arf...snigger! ART!!???!!

So...yes...where was I??? Oh yeah...wine in the afternoons...well, I feel cheap, squalid, unmotivated and too fat to be an artist - not to mention the bulbous nose and lack of sexual encounters - so I might as well get pissed up like what they did in Paris and 'The Rebel' (incidentally, I still maintain that Tony's self portrait is rather appealing...).

...I have to do more sit-ups too...I once heard that Olivia Newton-John did a 1,000 of the buggers a day...Where would I find the time for the vino and the ER re-runs??? I'll just have a check on e-bay for an unwanted abdominiser from the early nineties...or one of those vibrators you can wear on the train...

Haha! No, not one of those vibrators...Haha!!! I think they are called 'Chinese Love-balls' and are available on line...

Oh well...I shall endeavour to do one of these a week in order to give me something to do and hopefully some shit insight into a desperate man's life at the beginning of the 21st century...

"Whaoah-ooh Black Betty, baom-ba-baom" - fuck knows...

Sleep tight and just be thankful that you've made it through the day without doing a Mel Gibson...

All the best etcetera,

Lx"